“Good Job!”

2 Nov

Praise is a slippery slope. I find it akin to a giant piece of double frosting chocolate cake. It tastes really good, for a short while, and it makes you want more. But it’s ultimately a bad idea for your ass.

I grew up seeking it in most ways. I wanted that paper with the A on it to be displayed on the fridge. I wanted an “atta girl” when I took the initiative to clean the house. I liked getting compliments when I took the time to get ready for Homecoming.

Funny thing I learned along the way - praise is not gratifying. At all.

Because all of a sudden you make major decisions based on what other people think. It becomes more about other people’s reactions to your choices than YOUR opinion of your choices.

You probably have a general idea of the things I enjoy, based on this blog. But I don’t need someone else to affirm my decisions to go to yoga, participate in NaNoWriMo as of yesterday or give me excessive kudos for making dinner or teaching my son to read. I do the things I do because they light my soul on fire. I would still do them, even if no one else ever knew about them, never gave me a positive word about what I engage in.

Intrinsic motivation is surprisingly challenging to teach. I want to praise Aidan for all the things he’s doing right - working hard at school, improving at soccer, helping me wash the dishes, listening to me the first time (when he does!). But I don’t want the reason he does these things to be out of a need to hear praise. I want his joy at sounding out a difficult word in his book to be because he’s proud of himself, not because I’m proud of him.

The other day he was working at the table and said, “I’m almost ready for you to look. I want to impress you.”

It made me cringe.

“You don’t need to impress me, son. You just need to feel good about the job you’re doing.”

Such a simple statement. So very hard to teach. That praise dragon is easy to fall victim to. I hope I can help the little one build confidence without relying on others.

On an unrelated side note, I also hope he stops losing teeth. Three across the top in a month!

Love Your Ears and Soul

18 Oct

You know, maybe think about downloading an album for them.

Hoots & Hellmouth – Salt

Wilco – The Whole Love

Youth Lagoon – The Year of Hibernation

Happy Tuesday!

The Mitten and Beyond

14 Oct

If you’ve lived in Michigan long enough, you throw up your hand when someone asks you what part of the state you’re from. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my home state over the past few weeks, as our family went to Grand Rapids for ArtPrize, I had to go up north to Traverse City for a work conference, we went right down the road for a Lake Michigan sunset and I traveled to the other side of the state to spend time with a close friend.

The colors have been amazing, particularly in TC, and Indian Summer is always a welcome highlight as we know we’re transitioning towards shoveling, sledding and skis.

If that weren’t enough, the Tigers finally closed a game with a win last night and I’m sporting green and white today, in anticipation of tomorrow’s MSU-U of M match up.

I rather love this state. If you’re ever in this neck of the woods (for those who don’t already reside here), let me know and I’ll happily suggest some of my favorite places to frequent.

I’m hoping you’ll do the same for me!

Kyle recently signed up for a Half Ironman in the New England area. So far we know we are flying in to Portland, Maine, traveling to New Hampshire for the Half Ironman and wrapping up our week in Boston. We know we want to stay in bed and breakfasts, visit the Sam Adams Brewery and catch a Red Sox game at Fenway.

But what else?

If you live near any of these areas, have traveled in that vicinity or somehow otherwise have recommendations, please share! We’re looking to find places with character to stay, awesome local eateries and embark on some adventures!

I’m excited that we’ll likely be able to check a few things off my 30 Before 30 list as well…#3 is Visit Maine, #6 is Visit a couple of wineries and breweries with Kyle and #30 is Visit a couple of bed and breakfasts in obscure places with Kyle.

So, any suggestions for our trip? If not, what do you love about your home state? Enjoy your weekend!

Reminiscing

4 Oct

Though the sun was warm today, we briefly turned the heat on last week. There are no more beach days to be had; we’re watching the trees turn rust and gold. Though I adore chilly autumn, I can’t help but to let my mind wander back to my favorite day of this summer’s past. Some memories that make me smile…

My little boy, kissing his bride mama.

Seeing each other for the first time on our wedding day.

Adoring each other.

Watching guests graze the beautiful grounds where the wedding and ceremony took place.

Laughing as our closest friends shared toasts.

Stealing moments together (happy that we thought ahead to get a little pewter heart marking our day that now hangs in the living room).

Dance party time – could the kids be any cuter?!

How beautiful the weather turned out (after some stressing!) and how fortunate we were to be able to use this venue for our day.

It was so lovely. And I’m glad we can just enjoy each other and not be planning anymore! We just booked our first couples’ vacation as an “old married couple”…details and requests for recommendations (accommodations, eating and adventures) to come!

In the Rain

27 Sep

I think when I am older, and reflecting back on those “crazy” days of young motherhood, I will rather like my memories of tonight.

The sky was light charcoal, the rain opening down on the field. Aidan was dressed in soccer cleats and I had just laced up my hot pink running shoes. He ran back and forth across the field, scoring a goal at one end, fighting to defend at the other. I looped around the three youth-sized fields over and over, at first warming up, then running a couple of miles at race pace.

The precipitation never let up, and neither did our determination. He was in his world doing his thing, I was in mine. But there was never much distance between us. I could see him from most angles of my run and, when he had a moment to break, he looked up and waved in my direction.

One of the most imporant lessons I’m trying to teach him is that he is not responsible for my happiness, nor am I for his. I gave birth to him, of course, but the life he leads is his. I guide him, shape him, show him unconditional love, support him.

But ultimately I am giving him a foundation to be independent. I know I am not like the other mothers there, the ones under golf umbrellas, just watching their little ones move across the field. In my own way, however, I am always there. I am multi-tasking per usual, getting my work out in while he practices. I want him to be okay without me, but I always want to be close enough to sprint to his side if he needs me – metophorically and literally. 

After his practice, we were both pretty drenched. As every other child scampered towards the parking lot, Aidan looked at me through wet lashes, “Mom, will you just practice with me a little while longer?”

It is my inner hope that he sees me circling the field and doesn’t think his practice is anything less than important to me. Instead it is my wish he is motivated by his mother’s drive to balance being a good mother and being a whole person on my own.

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