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“Good Job!”

2 Nov

Praise is a slippery slope. I find it akin to a giant piece of double frosting chocolate cake. It tastes really good, for a short while, and it makes you want more. But it’s ultimately a bad idea for your ass.

I grew up seeking it in most ways. I wanted that paper with the A on it to be displayed on the fridge. I wanted an “atta girl” when I took the initiative to clean the house. I liked getting compliments when I took the time to get ready for Homecoming.

Funny thing I learned along the way - praise is not gratifying. At all.

Because all of a sudden you make major decisions based on what other people think. It becomes more about other people’s reactions to your choices than YOUR opinion of your choices.

You probably have a general idea of the things I enjoy, based on this blog. But I don’t need someone else to affirm my decisions to go to yoga, participate in NaNoWriMo as of yesterday or give me excessive kudos for making dinner or teaching my son to read. I do the things I do because they light my soul on fire. I would still do them, even if no one else ever knew about them, never gave me a positive word about what I engage in.

Intrinsic motivation is surprisingly challenging to teach. I want to praise Aidan for all the things he’s doing right - working hard at school, improving at soccer, helping me wash the dishes, listening to me the first time (when he does!). But I don’t want the reason he does these things to be out of a need to hear praise. I want his joy at sounding out a difficult word in his book to be because he’s proud of himself, not because I’m proud of him.

The other day he was working at the table and said, “I’m almost ready for you to look. I want to impress you.”

It made me cringe.

“You don’t need to impress me, son. You just need to feel good about the job you’re doing.”

Such a simple statement. So very hard to teach. That praise dragon is easy to fall victim to. I hope I can help the little one build confidence without relying on others.

On an unrelated side note, I also hope he stops losing teeth. Three across the top in a month!

How Do the Outnumbered Do It?

7 Sep

Being a first grader is probably exhausting. Being a mother of a first grader is crazy town. Last night:

5:15  – I get home from work and make Aidan a balanced dinner

5:30 – Aidan is dropped off by his dad and starts eating dinner

5:50 – Dinner is done; I wrangle Aidan into soccer clothes (the drama associated with putting on soccer socks over shin guards is ridiculous)

6:10 – Off to Soccer practice; Practice spelling words verbally with Aidan while driving

6:30 – 7:45 – Soccer practice

8 – Back home; Reading homework

8:20 – Bedtime snack

8:25 – Super speedy shower

8:30 – 8:40 - Unstructured activity of Aidan’s choice (playing Operation, in this instance)

8:40 – Tuck him in, lights out

9 – Mom decompresses, e-mails Aidan’s teacher, makes notes in Aidan’s daily homework planner

9:30 – Mom packs Aidan’s lunch

I want to know how people with more than one kid do this. Especially working parents.

SERIOUSLY.

I should add that Kyle was tasked with picking up the appropriate-sized soccer ball in between work and Aidan’s practice, thereby foregoing his own dinner. I should also add that we’re excited to have more kids, even knowing how crazy this parenting journey is. And you should know if there are more kids in your household than parents, you are my hero.

Good-bye Kisses

7 Apr

I was a good mom and got up to make Aidan French toast this morning before starting work for me and school for him.  We had a lovely early morning together and I dropped him off, as usual, with, “give me a kiss, A.”  He obliged, as he always does, and continued walking into the classroom. 

This other little boy yelled, “Ewwww!”

I was momentarily worried I had embarrassed him or ruined his morning.  He gave the other kid The Look.

The kind of look that does not needs words to say, “Yeah, dude.  That’s my mom.  I love her and I gave her a kiss.  ON THE LIPS.  Suck it.”

Okay, he probably didn’t think the suck it part, but his mama did.

I realize he is six and we’re maybe entering the territory where kissing your mom good-bye isn’t cool anymore.  It hurts my heart, but I recognize it’s a natural progression.  I wonder if I’ll gradually step back and just stop asking or going in for the usual hug and kiss, or if one of these times I’ll be the recipient of The Look.

The one that says, “Uh, Mom?  You’re my mom.  And I love you.  But let’s keep that between us.”

For now, I’ll soak up the fact that my very presence elicits joy and open hugging and kissing from my boy.

Protective of His Mama

26 Jan

You’d think my motherly instincts would be honed to hearing my little guy whimper in the dark hours of the morning.  When we lived alone, they certainly were.  But I’m half of a team now, and it was Kyle who got up in the middle of the night for Aidan’s first bout of getting sick last night.

As he continued to suffer from an upset stomach, I got up as well to hold him, stroke his forehead and grab the bowl for him when necessary.

Through the sickness he tearfully apologized to us.  Apologized!  For being sick, for the mess we had to clean up, for waking us up.

“Oh, sweetie,” I said, struggling to hold back tears of my own, “you have nothing to be sorry for.  You can’t help it.  If Mama could take all the sick out of your body and put it into mine, I would.”

That statement stopped his tears.

“But why, Mom?  Then you’d feel awful like me.  I don’t ever want you to feel like this.”

There my little boy sat, weak from heaving, his face damp and being fiercely protective of his mother.

I think that boy (who woke up resilient and smiling) is going to turn out amazing.  I’m already so damn proud of him.

Snowy Days

13 Jan

Up here in Michigan our days are filled with white powder this time of year.  At the moment, Kyle is shoveling and Aidan is taking advantage of resting on the couch.  The peaceful scene of floating flakes fills my view in the picture window and I’m all, “Oh, winter!  You’re the greatest!”

Sharp contrast to last year.  I wasn’t so much a fan of snow. 

Perhaps you recall me mentioning here and there that I loathe shoveling.  And therefore, winter got the evil eye from me.  This year I’ve only shoveled once and I practically had to beg Kyle to let me do it!  Now that I’m not burdened with winter, I’ve found it’s really quite beautiful.

And fun!  The L.L.Bean inner tube sled was a very wise investment.

Perhaps mothers are wired to constantly perceive the current stage as just a touch better than the last, but I really think we’re at my favorite stage so far.  Aidan’s joy for life and adventure is articulated so well these days and he’s capable of being more helpful than ever before at whatever activity we’re working on.  As he grows, 5T’s become 6′s, he’s reading me the books he brings home from school with very little help and he asks me to practice new words in Spanish with him weekly.  But he’s still my blue-eyed baby boy.

And I’m still just his mama.  Not as tired as before.  Not as achy as winters past.  Just his mama that gets to truly enjoy a season with her little boy.

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