Adventures in P.Rose

*Note: This is hypothetical.  I am not interested in pursuing any of my girlfriends’ exes.

At my current age of 26, the likelihood is that I am someone’s “sloppy seconds” if I get together with a man.  Someone else has been with this person before me.  Maybe lots of someones.  But what if one of those is someone I know and am friends with?  Since I have witnessed this many a time and have made mistakes with this, I now feel qualified to offer my personal rules on sloppy seconds.

Terms- If it was ever really serious, like heading towards engagement serious, I would say that man is permanently off-limits, if you want to keep a good friendship with your girlfriend.

Time-So your girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend, they had been on the rocks for a while and were never all that serious, he came to you for advice a couple times and she has sworn him off as someone she doesn’t care about.  I still say that you let a few months pass and decline his invite to go out for a drink until their split is really old news.

The hook-up-The really hot guy?  That no one really cares about but a few of the girls in your crew have hooked up with?  I would say that doing the guy making rounds is a no go, almost all of the time.  Not because it won’t be fun, but because it won’t end well.  And because when you’re all out for a girls’ night, you’ll look at a picture of a few of you and all you will be able to think is: “Oh my.  We’ve all slept with ______.  Ew.”  Or, potentially worse, if you actually do end up with the guy, half the bridesmaids will have done your husband.

I think the really big one for a girl is this:

THE Conversation- Be totally upfront about it with your girlfriend.  Even if you think it is going to be totally fine, even if you’re 99% sure, have the conversation first.  If she’s a good friend, you’ll be able to tell instantly if she’s bothered by the idea.  And I would say to stick by your girl’s side and not go there if she’s uncomfortable with it.  And even if she supports the idea THE conversation should never include comments like, “So, give me the scoop!  What does he like?!”

Ultimately, I think sloppy seconds are okay.  But it has to be above board and free of drama.  If there’s even a hint of tension, I’d pass.  Jamey Stegmaier offers the male perspective on his blog.  Check it out and let him know what you think!

What’s your take on sloppy seconds?

I don’t go to the bar to get picked up.  But if you’re going to buy me a drink, let me offer some helpful suggestions on how to make that a positive experience.  I’ll start with what not to do.

Last weekend I met up with a girlfriend at one of Holland’s beloved bars.  It was packed and there were several scattered lines to wait in to get a drink.  The guy in front of me took the liberty to buy me a beer.  I wouldn’t take it.  For two reasons: he didn’t get me what I drink.  I don’t drink Bud Light.  He also presumed that I would be excited that someone was buying me a drink and grinned as he stretched out his hand with the beer.  I wasn’t excited, I was annoyed.  Much to his dismay, I said, “No thanks,” and leaned past him, “Jess, can I get a Sierra Nevada, please?”

The slightly more thoughtful guy at least makes a point to find out what I’m drinking, but then irritates me by hovering upon delivery.  Yes, it’s very nice that you waited and asked the bartender what I was drinking and brought me a Tanqueray and tonic.  But buying me a drink does not buy you conversation.  I’ve come to the bar with someone.  That’s who I’m talking to.  And now you’re making it awkward by standing there and acting like I should turn my attention to you because you bought me a cocktail.

The right way:

Find out what I’m drinking.  Wait until I have less than half of the one I’m currently working on.  Order it.  Bring it over, in a very unassuming fashion, and say something like, “I couldn’t help but notice what a great time you’re having with your friend(s).  Thanks for making me smile.”  Set down the drink and walk away.  The whole interaction has taken maybe 10 seconds.  Not enough time for me to even pull my thoughts together, and I’m typically quick on that stuff.  I can almost guarantee you that I’ll smile and whichever girlfriend I’m with will wait (hopefully!) until he is out of earshot and squeal, “SO cute!”

The guy has done four things right:

1. He brought me a drink I like.
2. He didn’t assume he would be getting anything in return.
3. He didn’t make the situation awkward for me or my friends.
4. He intrigued me.

I know I can’t speak for all women, but I can speak for myself: There’s no way I’m leaving that bar without thanking him for the drink.  So now, in a rather clever fashion, he has me coming to him.  And it’s still not awkward.  If I have a boyfriend, I just let him know that but can still express it was really nice of him to buy me a drink.  If I have any interest, I can start by thanking him and introduce myself.

To my friends that live in Holland: Please mass distribute this.  The men in our town haven’t got a clue.  I’ll pay you back for a ream of paper at the next girls’ night.

To all ladies: Can you chime in with good stories or other helpful hints?

To the men: How do you buy a girl a drink?

Fellow blogger Jamey Stegmaier and I are both intentionally single people.  We’ve both had lots of experience being the third wheel and tonight we explore that!  Read the male perspective over at Jamey’s blog.

The couple and me.  That’s what I do.  I am slowly perfecting the art of the third wheel.  I am officially the odd girl out, all the time.  And I don’t even have to audition!  This is made possible by my lovely girlfriends, ALL of who are in relationships.  

I think there’s a certain art to being the female third wheel.  Let’s face it: a man’s idea of a fun night is not hanging out with his wife and her chatty girlfriend.  So I always feel personally responsible to make the unlucky dude’s night a little more enjoyable.  Keep in mind that most of these third wheel dates do happen at my home.

Drinks: Now is not the time to impress with your sangria or mango margarita skills.  Have several varieties of beer and a nice, dry red wine on hand.  No dude wants to be sipping on a beverage that looks like it should have an umbrella in it.

Conversation: I make a point to find out my girlfriends’ significant other’s favorite sports team and brush up on them a little, so the guy can either shine for a few minutes with sports talk or at least have a nice breather from my girlfriend and I talking about Victoria Secret’s Semi-Annual sale.  (Wait!  Maybe he likes that!)  The sports brush up job is rather easy in my state during football season: So _____, how did you feel about the Lions losing this week?  Was it particularly worse than all the other weeks?  They will inevitably defend their team and still bring up the scrappy Cleveland win, which always humors me.  Generally speaking, go universal.  Movies.  Books.  Relationships.  TV shows.  Sports.  News.  Avoiding shopping talk, fashion and gossip is a plus.  Save that for girls’ night!

Sex: As the third wheel, I always like to push for the couple I’m hanging out with to get laid.  With each other, of course!  Extra compliments on how hot my girlfriend is looking with accompanying nudges to her significant other are commonplace for me.  I might accidentally push her an extra glass of wine, too.  I want this couple leaving my place exuberant and lovey towards each other, not the guy rolling his eyes and muttering, “When is that chick going to start dating?” and never wanting to come back.  Because, frankly, this chick may not be dating for a long time and I still want to see my friends as they all marry themselves off!  Hot sex after dinner at Penelope’s bodes well for repeat dinners at my place.

Handyman: If the guy looks bored to tears I give him something to do.  Men love to feel useful, his girl can beam a little at how awesome her man is and this girl has an endless list of projects around the house.  A guy will gladly spend a half hour hanging up  a picture on my wall while us ladies giggle and catch up in the kitchen, if his previous boredom has involved starting at the paint smudge on my trim.

The Training Wheel: I have to admit that I have an excellent fall back plan.  My son is hilarious, active and a pretty decent conversationalist considering he’s four.  He can occupy the dude with Wii competition or “help” him with whatever little project he’s working on.

This may seem like I’m putting a lot of effort towards making the dude comfortable.  I am.  I’m willing to bet that most girls do not mind hanging out with their boyfriend and his entertaining buddy.  Most guys probably don’t get super excited for dinner with their wife’s single girlfriend.  A little effort makes his night a lot more enjoyable, which means that everyone has a really good time.

What about when the guy is the third wheel?  Head on over to Jamey’s and read his perspective!