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Flaws Shine Through

11 Aug

It’s very easy for me to talk about past flaws. In other words, things I’ve overcome. Really, pick a flaw! Big one? I used to be incredibly insecure and needed others to validate me. Little one? I used to wear too much eyeliner. Prefer medium-sized? I used to try to smooth over conversations to keep them from getting really uncomfortable.

And then there’s now. And I’m in a relationship.

For those of us who have not been in a bona fide, I actually call someone my boyfriend relationship in a couple of years, this is quite the adjustment. For those of you who read regularly, you know it’s been a happy adjustment. But it’s life, which isn’t all rainbows and fairies. Meaning, of course we have our little disagreements and of course we’re learning from each other every step of the way.

Presumably everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning. However, I think I forgot about the part where the worst side of you suddenly rears its head and comes poking out. The trigger for me is disappointment. If I set my expectations up, if I hoped hard for something…and it just doesn’t happen? Heart sinking disappointment for me.

This translates to me forgoing my sunny disposition and becoming a withdrawn crank. It’s not a great light. But imperfection is so humanizing. The imperfection, the caring enough to be disappointed, the love motivating forgiveness and the stretching out of the comfortable little spot one can reside in when they are alone exemplify what it means to be a growing human. Even so, it’s hard for me to admit the current flaws. I wish I handled disappointment with much more grace than I do. I’m trying to reel myself back to reality from such a hopeful dreamer. And perhaps I’ll re-read this post in a couple of years and find I’ve made progress tackling this battle.

For now, I consider myself quite an imperfect person, mother and girlfriend.

What would you say is one of your biggest flaws right this hot second?

How to Be Unexpectedly Sexy

15 Apr

There are the qualities that the majority of women find attractive in a man: nice body, good arms, romantic, successful.

Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

I’m more interested in the unexpectedly sexy.

Like the guy holding the baby.  The guy holding the baby immediately grabs my attention and I will lovingly stare at him while he dotes on a precious new life.  This is also a man being kind with children in general.  I’m hard-pressed to think of something more attractive than a man holding a little kid’s hand while they head towards the park.  This will make me swoon.

The mysterious guy also gets me.  I’m not talking about the aloof guy.  I’m not talking about the guy who is trying to look like he doesn’t care.  I’m talking about the guy strumming his guitar in the park.  I’m talking about the guy in the corner at happy hour who is reading a book and also drinking my favorite beer.  I’m talking about the guy who has made eye contact with me three times while I was out for girls’ night but didn’t make a move.  This guy reels me in with his mysteriousness.  I’m intrigued.  I find him sexy.  I want to know more.

I’m totally turned on by a guy being a good guy.  Examples include being lovely towards our server, putting others first and offering to help a stranger with their bags.  I find kindness incredibly attractive.  I don’t care what you are wearing, how much money you make, what kind of car you drive or if you are put together.  If we are in a parking lot and someone drops their groceries and you immediately put the car in park and help them with everything?  I’m going to be all over you.  In a good way.

Then there are all the little things:

The guy who is neater than me.

The guy who is more knowledgeable about wine and beer than me.

The guy who has a combination of really nice eyes and a great smile.  Neither of which can be pulled off without being genuine.

The guy who reads faster than me.

The guy who can fix things that need to be fixed.  A very specific example of this would be the guy who can make all the Christmas lights on the house work after I’ve done something to kill their illuminating light.

What do you find unexpectedly sexy?

Now head on over and read the male perspective at Jamey Stegmaier’s blog!

Speed Dating

14 Apr

I’m not speed dating, no worries.  I wouldn’t even know where to go if I wanted to speed date.  And I live in a smaller town, so the odds that I would end up sitting across someone I already know or a brother/cousin/friend of someone I know is high.

Hypothetically though, if I did go speed dating and could ask each guy three questions, these would be mine:

1.) What are you reading right now?

If the answer is “Maxim” or “I don’t read” I think it’s pretty safe to say a dinner date would not hold the kind of conversation I find interesting.  I’m looking for someone I can connect with intellectually.  Plus, I like reading in bed with someone.

2.) How do you feel about children?

This is non-negotiable.  I’m not asking for someone to sign up for anything, nor do I make a habit of introducing men to my son.  But someone who can’t stand children is obviously not going to be a  fit for me. 

3.) What did you do last time you got together with your friends?

This is important.  I’m social and I want to be with someone who has their own social life and groups of friends.  I would never want to be someone’s only source of entertainment.  And I’m interested in what they do.  Great answers would be something active (frisbee, football, etc.), poker night with the boys, concert or out to dinner.  Played video games, got drunk or tried to pick up women at the bar?  Not as enticing.

What are your thoughts or answers to my questions?  What would you ask?

Girl’s Rules to Sloppy Seconds

24 Mar

*Note: This is hypothetical.  I am not interested in pursuing any of my girlfriends’ exes.

At my current age of 26, the likelihood is that I am someone’s “sloppy seconds” if I get together with a man.  Someone else has been with this person before me.  Maybe lots of someones.  But what if one of those is someone I know and am friends with?  Since I have witnessed this many a time and have made mistakes with this, I now feel qualified to offer my personal rules on sloppy seconds.

Terms- If it was ever really serious, like heading towards engagement serious, I would say that man is permanently off-limits, if you want to keep a good friendship with your girlfriend.

Time-So your girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend, they had been on the rocks for a while and were never all that serious, he came to you for advice a couple times and she has sworn him off as someone she doesn’t care about.  I still say that you let a few months pass and decline his invite to go out for a drink until their split is really old news.

The hook-up-The really hot guy?  That no one really cares about but a few of the girls in your crew have hooked up with?  I would say that doing the guy making rounds is a no go, almost all of the time.  Not because it won’t be fun, but because it won’t end well.  And because when you’re all out for a girls’ night, you’ll look at a picture of a few of you and all you will be able to think is: “Oh my.  We’ve all slept with ______.  Ew.”  Or, potentially worse, if you actually do end up with the guy, half the bridesmaids will have done your husband.

I think the really big one for a girl is this:

THE Conversation- Be totally upfront about it with your girlfriend.  Even if you think it is going to be totally fine, even if you’re 99% sure, have the conversation first.  If she’s a good friend, you’ll be able to tell instantly if she’s bothered by the idea.  And I would say to stick by your girl’s side and not go there if she’s uncomfortable with it.  And even if she supports the idea THE conversation should never include comments like, “So, give me the scoop!  What does he like?!”

Ultimately, I think sloppy seconds are okay.  But it has to be above board and free of drama.  If there’s even a hint of tension, I’d pass.  Jamey Stegmaier offers the male perspective on his blog.  Check it out and let him know what you think!

What’s your take on sloppy seconds?

Is It Okay to Ask for His Total?

15 Mar

The scene:

We’re in his bed lying down, his shirt has been tossed aside, my pants are unbuttoned, his hand is moving across my back, we’re making out.  I pull back. “So, how many women have you slept with?”

Uhh…

If this happened in a movie the music would go from sensual and promising to the ripping, halting sound of someone who has not yet learned how to appropriately spin records.

I’ve just brought up this already touchy question in the worst way possible and completely ruined the mood.  Now, I would never approach this topic in this fashion in real life, but the question is there:

Is it okay to ask a guy how many girls he’s been with?  And, as the obvious sub-question: If this progresses, what number would I be?

I can’t definitively say what I will gain from knowing.  But I kind of want to know.  I think part of the reason I’m okay with the question is that I’m okay with my number.  If the question were turned on me, I would have no problem sharing.  But I absolutely run the risk of making things incredibly awkward if he’s not all that thrilled about sharing his.

I’m intentionally single, not dating, not anywhere close to dating, and the possibility that I would find myself in a position where this question would be escaping my lips is not high at the moment.  But the fact of the matter is that I am single and will probably date at some point!  And I will want to ask this question.

Is it best to loosely talk about past relationships and flings and garner a general idea of the number and leave it at that?  Are men horrified when women pose this question?  It is best to ask the question in a range (pick A for 0-5, B for 6-10, C for 11-15 and so on)?  I really don’t think I would treat a man differently based on his answer, so the general consensus may be that I’m better off not knowing.  But I have to ask: Is it unfair of me to want to know all the details of someone I’m going to share myself with?  I don’t think so.

What’s your take on this?

Jamey Stegmaier offers his male perspective here.  Check it out and let him know what you think!  Also, if this post sparks a post of your own, please e-mail me and we’ll link it on our sites!

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