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How to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket

29 Nov

You may think from the title that this is about me, but it’s not.

Last time I got pulled over for speeding, I was immediately ticketed. I think it has something to do with wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I’m the worst liar in the world, and I’m sure the officer could see what I was truly thinking written all over my face:

“Listen, asshat. You and I both know I was going 57 in a 55 and the second I crossed into the construction zone (with zero workers present, might I add!) you clocked me because the speed limit changed to 45. You were waiting for me and I know it. I don’t want to talk about it, I refuse to plead with you, just give me the ticket.”

I would never actually say that, but I don’t need to. If you have any sense of perception, it’s obvious.

I would like you to know I successfully completed the Online Remedial Driver’s Ed course, intended for persons like myself who are generally safe drivers with no points on their license, but who earn themselves a ticket. I was far less worried about the fine than I was about points on my license and the subsequent insurance hike.

Earning 100% on all of the quizzes and the final exam got me out of points and a letter to my insurance company, as well as gifted me with a refrigerator-worthy certificate to mark my accomplishments.

(Note to those who fall in these same shoes – you are REQUIRED to take 45 minutes to read through something that takes no more than 10. And if you don’t stay active within the required reading for all 45 minutes, you’ll get logged out and have to start over! Joy.)

Anyways, let’s talk about someone who can get themselves out of a speeding ticket.

My husband.

Kyle has been pulled over three times since we started dating. Zero tickets.

The latest incident occurred this past weekend. We were in Northern Michigan for the holiday, visiting a friend’s family. We had just departed his place for the Bed & Breakfast we booked in Charlevoix. Kyle gets pulled over for going 71 in a 55.

Sixteen mph over the posted speed limit! This is how you get out of a speeding ticket:

Drive your wife’s car that is SO disorganized, she is literally rifling through 20 expired proofs of insurance in an effort to locate the current one. I could actually feel Kyle’s blood pressure rising, because his current proof of insurance and registration are neatly located in a little envelope in his glove box. I’m all, “So sorry, Officer! For some reason I have, like, five that expired in July! I’m sure I have a current one, just give me a minute here…”

Have a crying child in the back. In the hustle and bustle of getting pulled over and wanting to present ourselves well, Aidan was instructed to “sit still and shut up” by my mother. I should note that my mother has NEVER told Aidan to “shut up” and she said so in the nicest tone. The same tone you would gently inform someone to be quiet. But Aidan was so horrified at hearing that come out of her mouth, he literally burst into tears and let the waterworks roll in the back seat.

Even though she influenced the Aidan tears, have your mother-in-law, who is sweet and charming , in the back smiling at the officer.

Don’t make excuses and just own up to the speeding.

Evidently that is the recipe for not even getting a warning for going 16 over. I’m pretty sure the officer recognized the hot mess in the car and thought, looks like this dude has enough going on here – no need to make his day any worse!

I’ll have to work on my approach. (Or, you know, just not speed.)

Learning Can Be Uncomfortable

9 Jun

In less than four weeks, Kyle and I will be married. In less than three hours, Aidan will complete Kindergarten. It was 90+ degrees yesterday.

Hello, Summer.

It’s so cliche, but it really does feel like time is flying. The pace of our lives right now is an amalgam of purchasing wine and tulle and attending dessert tastings, while making time for the things that really matter – like running as fast as I can to keep up with the boy who has beautiful confidence on his new two-wheeler. I take such solace in the yoga classes that are so important to squeeze in to a day without enough hours in it – for beyond flexibility, strength and peace (my initial reasons for going), yoga has taught me to be a student of life.

I think people often work to be an expert in their field, to gain credibility in a particular area or to “arrive.” I may strive for those things someday, but for now, I’m more than content to be a student. There is so. much. to. learn. It almost overwhelms me sometimes – the amount of things I want to learn, and the fleeting time with which I have to do so.

I wouldn’t say I’m a master of anything, but each week I can point to something I learned. And a few weeks after that I recognize that I’ve gained further skill.

My best work example is facilitating training. I’ve never been nervous to get in front of a group before – it just doesn’t intimidate me. But a couple of weeks ago I had to conduct a 5-hour training with a group of 18 people I work with that are all levels above me at the company.

I found myself clammy nervous. I was so uptight I could hear myself racing through the first couple of slides, my pitch clenched while my nails dug in to the palm of my hand. I finally settled down, but it took a couple of hours before I felt comfortable in my own skin again.

Yesterday I led training again. I was more than comfortable. I was relaxed and secure in my ability to present the material and field difficult questions.

All because I didn’t let fear get the best of me. I departed my previous job for precisely this reason – I wanted to learn. And though I have found myself standing in shoes that make my heart pound in my chest, the joy of being a learner is unparalleled.

I posted pictures of Aidan riding his bike last week – he couldn’t go a block without falling at the time. Just the other day he rode two miles without a hitch.

Though I know I guide him to do many meaningful things in life, he shows me how to delight in saying, “I don’t know how to do this. Can you teach me?” I’m always amazed at what I learn when I’m willing to say that.

Raise the Bar

5 May

If I could tell young me anything, it would be this:

For crying out loud, girl. Believe in yourself.

I can honestly confess I’m in the first healthy relationship of my life. I went through a series of not so healthy relationships in my younger days, and while I always kind of knew it, there’s a certain obliviousness to being in the thick of it. When I finally ripped myself out of these relationships, I always looked back and thought: Really, Penelope? Really?! C’mon.

And then I did it again.

That’s kind of funny, but not really.

I wish I would have known long ago that when you raise the bar, you *magically* start reaching greater heights. It’s so simple – value yourself, and others will value you too. Believe in your work, and others will appreciate it. Decide your opinion is firm, whether others agree or not.

It sounds as natural as saying 2+2=4, but I didn’t know that for a long time. And even when my brain knew it, I didn’t embrace it. I didn’t own it.

I love being on the other side. I love being okay with me. But I’m glad I went through all of that. Now I know how to raise the bar. In relationships, at work, in physical activity, while writing – if I don’t expect the best of me and believe I can do it, why would anyone else?

When was the last time you raised the bar?

Bathroom Fear

26 Apr

We’ve reached it. I knew the day would come.

Aidan refuses to go in a bathroom with a little dress on the door.

He has every right. The kid is six. I wouldn’t want to go in the opposite bathroom either.

But oh how I cringe when we are out in public, just the two of us, and he says he has to go. Clearly if Kyle is there, it’s a non-issue. The other day at Meijer he uttered the dreaded words, “Mom I have to go nooooww.”

“Bud, can’t you just hold it until we get home?”

“Nope. Gotta go now.”

So here we are at Meijer, and I let him walk in the bathroom with the pants on it. I am borderline irrational with my fear once the door swings closed behind him. How do I know who else is in there? It totally terrifies me.

In an effort not to embarrass him, I try to make myself count to 60 before I burst in with wild eyes and momma panic. He always goes in with these instructions: “Go quick, don’t touch anything, wash your hands and come out. Hurry!”

Poor kid. He’ll be the only guy who can piss and be out of the bathroom in less than 30 seconds thanks to me. Other people probably think he doesn’t even go.

So anyways, the operative word in that 60 second statement was that I try. I made it to 39 seconds last time. I pushed the door open, ready to protect, to yell, to…I don’t know.

He was in there alone, washing his hands thoroughly.

I quietly pulled the door back and waited for him once more, my heart rate returning to normal.

I really hate that I can’t be there every second of every day to protect him. It’s growing up, it’s natural, it’s needed. But I didn’t realize when I started this journey of motherhood how truly difficult it would be to let go. I didn’t know going from diapers to bathrooms by himself would twist my heart the way it does. I can’t even begin to imagine the day he grows taller and stronger than me and feels it his duty to protect me.

Raising a boy is funny like that.

One Season to the Next

23 Dec

Last year at this time, life was so different.  Laughter was tears, giddy present wrapping was lonely, excited cookie decorating was a chore.

Being a single mom is was hard, yo.

I’m on the other side of that now, but last year…I couldn’t see it.  I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I felt trapped in this struggling world, this world of being alone for the holidays.  I was overly grateful Aidan’s daycare had each child make a present for their parent to put under the tree in a little brown paper bag. I made myself write a thankful list for the month, just so I could try to squash my bad attitude and remember the positives.

But I still strained to truly focus on all the good in the season–it sucked me dry instead.  After completely losing it while wrapping A’s presents by myself on Christmas Eve, I wanted the holidays to hurry up and be over.  Stat.  There’s something about a sad heart that just can’t be filled up by other things.

This life I wanted last year, I actually have this year (I still pinch myself sometimes)–I can’t wait to make cinnamon rolls for my family Christmas morning.  I’m so excited at the surprises I have under the tree for my boys.  Sometimes I walk in and see scenes like the picture below.  I’m in love, engaged and my kid is the perfect age to get all kinds of excited about Christmas.  I freaking won an xBox + Kinect!

And I just want to say, if it happens to be you who is feeling the way I did last year…chin up.  You’re stronger than you think and things will be the way you want them to be sooner than you think.  Even if you can’t see it now, even if something is weighing on your heart really hard…everything’s going to be okay.  And you might just find yourself deliriously happy by this time next year.

If you happen to know a single mom, might I suggest doing a little something for her.  She’ll appreciate it more than you know.

Merry, merry Christmas, y’all.

 

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