Praise is a slippery slope. I find it akin to a giant piece of double frosting chocolate cake. It tastes really good, for a short while, and it makes you want more. But it’s ultimately a bad idea for your ass.
I grew up seeking it in most ways. I wanted that paper with the A on it to be displayed on the fridge. I wanted an “atta girl” when I took the initiative to clean the house. I liked getting compliments when I took the time to get ready for Homecoming.
Funny thing I learned along the way - praise is not gratifying. At all.
Because all of a sudden you make major decisions based on what other people think. It becomes more about other people’s reactions to your choices than YOUR opinion of your choices.
You probably have a general idea of the things I enjoy, based on this blog. But I don’t need someone else to affirm my decisions to go to yoga, participate in NaNoWriMo as of yesterday or give me excessive kudos for making dinner or teaching my son to read. I do the things I do because they light my soul on fire. I would still do them, even if no one else ever knew about them, never gave me a positive word about what I engage in.
Intrinsic motivation is surprisingly challenging to teach. I want to praise Aidan for all the things he’s doing right - working hard at school, improving at soccer, helping me wash the dishes, listening to me the first time (when he does!). But I don’t want the reason he does these things to be out of a need to hear praise. I want his joy at sounding out a difficult word in his book to be because he’s proud of himself, not because I’m proud of him.
The other day he was working at the table and said, “I’m almost ready for you to look. I want to impress you.”
It made me cringe.
“You don’t need to impress me, son. You just need to feel good about the job you’re doing.”
Such a simple statement. So very hard to teach. That praise dragon is easy to fall victim to. I hope I can help the little one build confidence without relying on others.
On an unrelated side note, I also hope he stops losing teeth. Three across the top in a month!
Not that you need this, but congrats on NaNoWriMo! It’s addicting, in a good way.
Haha, thanks! I’m excited to participate this year and hope I can turn off my inner editor for 30 days and just WRITE.
Wow, that is SO true. I have fallen into this trap myself…intrinsic motivation…a concept that I haven’t truly learned, but still am trying to! I’ll say it again – you are such a smart mom, I love the lessons you are teaching your son!
Thanks…I’m hoping I can guide him not to follow his mother’s footsteps in learning most lessons the hard way!
Yep. That is so true! I often find myself more concerned about what other people will say, rather than concerned about MY motivations for whatever I’m doing. Hmmm. I think I need to chew on this one for a while…
It’s definitely something to think about…I find it more fulfilling to rely on myself!
Wow, this is such an interesting topic that I NEVER really considered before. The difference between doing good out of the sheer motivation to do good vs. doing good simply to receive praise by others. Praise has a time and a place, as you said, but it’s a very very fine line — false praise will do nobody any good, especially at a young age when they need to develop their own ways of motivating, learning, growing. Great post!
Thanks! That’s exactly it – false praise can create unhealthy habits. Praise can provide positive affirmation if it’s authentic and the receiver doesn’t start changing behavior just to elicit more.
Way to go on starting the writing month! You can do it! I’m not even going to try and hide the fact that I’m proud of you and am blatently giving you praise. Whatever. Accept it!
Haha, thank you, dear friend. I’ll keep you posted with how it goes!